Anxiety

I’ve decided to write in rather than video simply for the fact that ironically my anxiety is too much to bare a camera capturing my raw thoughts and feelings. I find writing a way of expressing a thousand words more than what my mouth and voice could ever do. I believe I suffer from anxiety that also being social anxiety. I also get random spouts of sadness where I cannot for the life of me understand or explain why I’m sad, I simply just feel a sense of worthlessness. Being the youngest of four as well as having parents who are very much traditional and conservative as they get (no sleeping in the same bed as your partner unless you’re married!) has never really helped me in any way, my immediate family is quite close but having four perfect older siblings as well as being the only one who is adopted I have truly never felt adequate. I have never expressed this entirely to my family so it has pretty much built up over the years and I have sort of just repressed all my feelings. I think this is why at the age of 22 I succumb so much to anxiety because I’ve ever - to bluntly put it - stuck up for myself, expressed how I’m truly feeling or been confident enough to really say my opinion when it came to discussions with my parents. I think, as much as your family may say they love you and y’know you’re part of the family and although they don’t treat you any different to your other siblings, deep in my gut I can never shake the sadness of not really feeling apart of this family. I’ve struggled with this my whole life, and I think it’s this inadequacy that my anxiety has stemmed from. I don’t think I could ever really discuss it with my parents because I think mental health is so stigmatised and anxiety itself I feel is never really taken seriously. there have been times where I’ve literally ripped the skin from my nails to the point of blood shed because I am so anxious it’s my go to habit. I literally start to shake when I’m in social settings to the point where I start to tell myself I need confidence enhancing substances just to take the edge of my awkwardness. I put on a happy face and smile and laugh a lot of the time, but deep down I really am suffering and I just wanted a space where I could express this and I’ve found it, so thank you :) 

Sincerely,

Cece