When you look at yourself in the mirror, who do you see? Is it just a face to you or an amalgamation of experience? I can’t decide who it is looking back it me sometimes. She changes as my feelings do, being almost unrecognisable, and others, becoming frighteningly recognisable, as if it scares me to see so much of myself. So bare and open, enough to the raw red of my flesh. Is this a fear of others seeing the same or a fear of what I hold within me, what emotions I’m capable of feeling? I mull over these thoughts as I stare at the girl opposite, who sometimes I know and sometimes I don’t. on days when she sits shyly, cowering away from my gaze, I feel most raw. I sense a naïve discomfort in my own skin, as if it has grown into a young woman and left me behind, all young and self-conscious and painfully self-aware – of taking up too much space and too little, desperately longing for anonymity until I’m able to grow. To grow and fit my skin snuggly, so I’m no longer taking up too much or too little but I’m just right. When the days come that I feel this way immediately, I sit comfortably in my skin, looking at a girl I know, who looks back, and we smile at each other fondly. These days are infrequent currently, I’ve become detached from the young woman I had learnt to fit and regressed to a young girl, cowering in the reflection of a young woman, unsettled and unsure of my skin. Craving the touch of those that have helped me grow – friends, a significant other – all lost in this time of isolation. So this is why I ask you now – as I struggle to place myself in my own reflection – when you look in the mirror, who do you see?
Coronavirus – Journal Entry
So this is why I ask you now – as I struggle to place myself in my own reflection – when you look in the mirror, who do you see?