You are now 27 years old. You’re living in the middle of a Pandemic right now and you feel, once again, pretty lost so this is a letter from you to you. The older you is here to remind younger you that feeling lost is nothing new and I know you thought that you would have found yourself and reached your goals (but what are your goals, really?) by the age of 27… well, here you are – still searching for something true and still don’t know exactly what to do with your life. I know it sounds scary, but, hear me out, okay?
You are 19 years old right now. You have recently left a destructive relationship and it will take time, several years actually, until you are ready to be intimate with someone again. And when you think you’re ready, you’re actually not and you will be reminded of that and eventually learn that you’re not comfortable with giving your naked body to someone who doesn’t care about your naked soul.
I know you think that you said goodbye to Anorexia for good when you were discharged residential treatment but believe me when I tell you this: you will have to fight again and again to not fall back into old patterns. Finding balance is always hard, especially for you because you’re an all or nothing type. Fighting for balance is worth it because the older you get the more you will feel how wonderful life can be when you’re not obsessing over food and exercise. Please, trust me when I tell you: there is SO much more.
You have a hard time respecting yourself right now and by the age of 23 this will get worse when you meet people who will use your body without your consent. Again and again. This will hurt. But you will get through it and eventually understand that none of it ever was your fault. The #Me- too movement will play a huge role in understanding that.
You suffer from several identity-crisis from long hair to no hair at all, from partying all night every weekend to become manic with yoga. You will go from having no tattoos at all, to one day wake up and decide that you want to cover your whole body with them.
Right now you are obsessed with getting that long princess-like hair. This will stop when you eventually decide to cut it short and embrace your natural hair with curls. But before you do that, you will dye your hair blue and pink and wear all kinds of wigs and hair extensions. The feeling of embracing your natural hair without all these other things, will be a big relief for you and eventually lead you to embracing other parts of yourself that’s unique and naturally you.
these identity-crisis will make more sense when you get diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and you will begin to work on yourself, in order to be kinder to yourself and the people around you.
I know you want answers to all of your questions about yourself, relationships, career, life,…. The truth is this: you just have to keep going to find out. Focus more on things that nourish your soul and be thankful. Life is beautiful. And keep on writing, put your thoughts and feelings on paper.