All my fears are triggering, you’re traumatizing, lowering me
Into the pit of your darkness, where you think I’m safe and belong only to you
I feel your energy grip mine, until I question everything, and can’t see the light out of the hole
I tried to stand at the edge yelling in, to get through to you
Sitting at the edge to comfort you
Waiting at the edge, only for you
But it was never your intention to have an interdependent connection
One night, when I was sound asleep, you gripped your hands around me and pulled me in
I wake up in fear, I can’t breathe, Who am I?
The only way to survive is to eat your flesh, not quite literally, but emotionally
I wonder if the neighbors hear my hysteria
I wonder if the neighbors will come when they hear the doors slamming and violent screaming
I wonder if you even care that I’m miserably unhappy
Like a moth stuck in a light, until the shadow dims all luminous sight
The only thing you have is that you control me
Are you so far in it you don’t care that I’m not the light you were drawn to?
I read a book that made me see, that I’m addicted to rejection and you validating me
I question where I learned this behavior
Years of childhood patterns reoccurring
I think violent abuse is family, a sign of safety
I look at everything I’ve gotten and everything that I’m striving for
To see the addictions playing out in front of me, mirroring the abuse of my childhood
Suddenly all the walls around me break down, and I have clarity
The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from you
You were my constant drip-feed of violent temper tantrums and emotional unavailability
Gift giving, guilt seeking, attention withdrawing, father figure partner screaming,
till I retreat and you scream some more and say that I’m always living in a fantasy
Where is my head? Stuck in a dream
I explained its escapism, a defense mechanism no one taught me
I’ll never be able to fully remove the dirt from under my nails
climbing out of the pit, while you’re so far in it
I’ve never wanted to die until the year I met you
Suicide seems like an easier option than dealing with the over-dominant male figures I have had to endure as normal.
Apparently, I’m selfish and self-absorbed for setting healthy boundaries
I can’t go home, now I don’t have a home, so I guess I’ll do what I’ve always done, and sleep in my car with a bag of clothes and goal-orientated directions
Does stability feel unsafe because I’ve only ever walked on eggshells and temperamental emotional abuse? There is a reason I live alone on the other side of the world, far away from you
One day I hope to find real love, not addiction
I will heal my scars and read a list of red flags so I know the warning signs
I have broken the cycle of abuse, I refuse to repeat it
Even if that means finding out you’re pregnant and having a termination
I know I made the right decision when you accused me of infidelity in the clinic
I still feel guilty to enjoy myself, because I’ve never been allowed
I’ve only ever been given punishment
