Dear Body.

There was a time when you and I were perfect together. You were so strong and fast, I never questioned you. I loved you unconditionally for taking me wherever I wanted and for always healing when I was sick or broke your bones. You did nothing wrong. But something switched inside of me as I grew older - this constant feeling that you were never gonna be good enough. I started comparing you to women in magazines and movies and suddenly it didn’t matter how much you did for me. When I was a teenager you were so skinny that people would mistake you for a boy. All I wanted was to have curves, I envied all the girls around me that started to look like young adults and I thought you looked like a child next to them. But when you finally grew your curves I felt like you belonged to someone else. I wanted to change you, again.

As I put my foot in the music and fashion industry in my early twenties I saw more flaws than ever before. It was devastating, especially when other people confirmed everything that was wrong with you. ”If you’d only lose a couple of kilos you’d be perfect for this”, ”you’re not skinny enough, you’re not curvy enough”. I was ashamed of how obsessed I got with something so superficial but once I started I couldn’t stop. In the beginning no one seemed to notice, instead I would get compliments for my healthy eating habits and my strict workout routine. Truth is that I documented every single thing that I ate, ”xx calories, xx calories burnt” and xx pieces of candy meant that you had to be punished with even harder workouts the following days. I couldn’t even eat at restaurants for a while because I felt the need to control everything, check every single ingredient and make sure that I didn’t get any ”not pure or clean” food in my system. (There’s a diagnosis for this and it’s called Orthorexia.) If it hadn’t been for my best friend who struggled with Anorexia in the past, if she wouldn’t have seen all the warning signs with my behavior I’m not sure how far I would’ve taken it. I know how hard you battled through this time, I wish I would’ve known better.

I’m so sorry for all the times I starved you, punished you, hurt you, hated you, for all the things I told you. I’m trying to treat you better now. We’re in this together until the end and I only have one of you. You will never be perfect and that’s okay, that's human. It’s never gonna be an easy relationship, but I will respect you and enjoy you while I have you.

I'm sorry, I think it’s time that we became friends again.