Firstly before I explain what was really going on in the picture, I want to say how hard this is to share. I never usually talk about the specific stories behind an anxiety attack, because it is a judgement I have on myself, on some level I feel as if I can’t have panic attacks or hate the way I look because of the way other people perceive me. I have a wonderful family and an amazing life, but I’ve always struggled with constant inner demons. Which has always been confusing for me because in my teen years I would complain about the way I looked and cry, self-harm and have panic attacks… but to the outside whenever I cried for help I was accused of attention seeking. Over the past year or two I have taken my experiences and tried to make them into something positive for others who have been in a time of need, I have learned that it doesn’t matter what problem you have, whether you have a “problem”, where you came from, what you look like because MENTAL HEALTH DOESNT DISCRIMINATE. So I’m sharing this story so you can have an insight into a normal day for me, which I admit I deem as stupid and superficial and kinda hate myself for caring so much. But I so strongly believe that anyone can feel anything and it shouldn’t be judged that I’m taking that advice for myself. 

I had to take a photo in this outfit for the brand, what the photo doesn’t show is how difficult it was for me to actually get into a bikini, it’s difficult by myself let alone in front of other people. I started having an anxiety attack and my poor best friend had to calm me down, which felt ridiculous seeing as I had asked her to go, I felt terrible. It causes me so much anxiety about even getting upset about something which is supposed to be my job, getting my friend to help me and something so superficial… it’s a vicious circle of self-loathing. When I had calmed down and apologised for being so silly I put the bikini on and headed outside. I saw everyone staring thinking how unattractive I looked, and superficial getting my photo taken. We were literally there for 5 mins before I went to the bathroom to get back changed into a more covered outfit. 

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Summer smiles 😁

A post shared by Phoebe Torrance (@phoebetorrance) on Jun 23, 2018 at 5:54am PDT

A lot of the time I feel that everyone that loves me like family or closest friends are fed up with me, and those who don’t love me actually hate me. Constant fear of ending up alone but need to be alone from everyone to be able to cope. What I have found that helps me so much in these moments is quotes; I have them on my phone, my laptop, my bedroom, my bathroom and even written on my mirrors! A couple that have really affected me positively recently are “The secret to having it all is knowing you really do” To be honest this one is so true I like to see it every morning, we get so caught up comparing ourselves and thinking about other people that we forget the magic that we have in our lives. A couple more are “Don’t worry about hard times, because some of the most beautiful things we have in our lives come from changes or mistakes”. Also if anyone else is a bit of a perfectionist sometimes this one really calmed me down and made me realise what it’s all about! “Let yourself fail. And try again” Because sometimes it can be so disheartening failing at something that you just want to crawl in a hole – I sure do! But I keep this handy to remind me to keep going 😃