My PCOS Story
Well this is something I never ever thought I would have to write about, or even talk about in everyday life, but it is what it is. I’ve been debating for a while whether or not to discuss this topic, mainly because the last thing I want is to look like I’m seeking sympathy or attention, but I’m mainly doing this for my own benefit and for those that can relate to my story as I myself am still learning and educating myself with it so here we go.
The beginning of 2017 I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). “Poly” meaning many, “cystic” meaning my ovaries are enlarged and contain fluid-filled sacks which aren’t actually cysts despite the name, which is in other words a hormone imbalance and that my body produces excess androgen (male hormones) which can lead to excess hair and weight gain and can also effect my fertility.
Ever since I hit puberty I never had periods every month which I got told was completely normal and common, but when pretty much every girl who I knew was having them every month I got extremely worried and thought my body was turning against me lol (dramatic I know). And after I left college I began to notice a big difference in my weight, and that I was putting weight on a lot easier than usual. Yes my diet could be a little better, but I was putting more and more weight on extremely easy and didn’t understand why. So last year I decided I had to go to the doctors and find out what was wrong with me, and after members of my family being diagnosed with the condition the chances of me having it were extremely high with it being a hereditary condition.
I had a hospital appointment and got told I needed an ultrasound and to make sure my bladder was full before the scan so they could get a clearer image, but no matter how much water I drank in the waiting room my bladder just wouldn’t respond, so I had to pull the short straw and have an internal scan. At first I refused as I was in such a state of distress and worry, I am an extremely squeamish person so the thought of having something shoved up me terrified me but I needed answers. The nurse was incredibly helpful and caring and calmed me down throughout the entire thing, and clearly saw that I was in pain so she stopped early. She then sat me down and told me that she only had the chance to inspect one ovary, but from what she saw she definitely found evidence of PCOS. I didn’t know how to react but I was already in a state of panic from the scan, so I just tried my hardest to accept it as I already knew deep down that this was going to be the result. I then had to have a blood test which distressed me even further, I felt like a child crying at the doctors and felt so immature but I spent my whole life staying away from hospitals and doctors appointments that this felt like torture, but I knew that I was just being dramatic.
So that day I took the day off uni to google everything I could and recover from my dramatic ordeal lol. The condition is extremely common and according to posts I saw online a woman can go her whole life not knowing that she has it due to it being on a spectrum. Some women who suffer from it are highly overweight with beards and have no periods at all, and I was able to place myself on the lower spectrum due to me having no facial hair but irregular periods and weight gain. Another symptom is acne and spots but I have never struggled with either of these and have always been fortunate enough to have clear skin, which baffled me and the doctors.
The one thing that worries me most is the fact that it can effect my chances of having children… of course I’m not in a position in my life where I’m ready to have children but the doctors couldn’t tell me how fertile I actually was so when it comes to crossing that bridge I won’t know how difficult it will be. It’s not impossible for me to have children because of the wonders of IVF, but it will be extremely difficult. I have a million thoughts running through my head, what if my partner at the time struggles to cope with my possible infertility? What if I never can have children? What if I have miscarriages? All these horrible thoughts run through my head on a daily basis, but I am no where near that stage in my life yet. I watch YouTube videos of other women who suffer from it and I never imagined it to be one of those things people talk about and discuss with it being so common, but it can completely take over your life.
Since my diagnosis my confidence took a massive turn. I struggle to feel attractive and feel a lot less feminine compared to a lot of girls. My confidence in relationships and talking to boys completely dropped and shopping became a NIGHTMARE. The thought of having to look at myself in the mirror whilst trying on clothes stressed me out which to any other girl would seem like an exciting thing to do. I look at photos of myself now to when I was 13/14 and always think of how much prettier and slimmer I was back then and what I would look like now if I didn’t have PCOS. But I refuse to let it define me and continue with my life being the best person I can be, no matter what my flaws are.
I’m still learning and educating myself on this condition and hope anyone reading this post learned something too. PCOS isn’t my life, it’s a part of my life that I learn to live with. The one thing I must focus on is looking after myself and trying to maintain a good diet and hopefully one day get myself back to a stable weight (easier said than done lol).
Thankyou for reading <3