• Don’t let anyone shame you for how many people you have slept with. Even if you believe that you do share your soul with those you sexually engage with, the soul is not a finite source but endlessly replenishes itself – you do not chip permanently away at yourself each time you have sex, & end up with less to give the next person. I should know, I’ve slept with a few thousand people, & I am just as loving, caring, open & honest as I ever was!

 

  • If you are sexually active with anyone but yourself, get tested regularly (I get tested every three months, because of my work & also because that is how long blood-borne viruses can take to show up in your results), especially as many STI’s are symptomless. The most important thing in regards to sexual health & safety is to know your status & be aware of risks & safe practices so that you can make informed choices that you are comfortable with. Know that STI’s are not only spread through penis-in-vagina penetrative sex but through other kinds of sexual activity (for example, HSVI can be passed from mouth to genitals during oral & Gonorrhoea can be passed from penis to throat, or throat to penis, during uncovered blowjobs).

 

  • Know that sexual health choices are not static, but dependent on the context. Perhaps you have HSV2, and you find that the best way to have a safe & happy sex life is to change sex practices with your partner/s when you are rundown & are prone to an outbreak. Perhaps your partner is HIV positive, & you have decided to go on PREP & to use condoms for penetrative sex. Perhaps you are a sex worker & your boyfriend doesn’t know you work & you also can’t afford having time off work due to illness, so you make clients use latex gloves for fingering & dental dams for oral. Perhaps your partner & you are in an open relationship, so when you use sex toys you use them with condoms as added protection & you get a STI test before any new sexual partner. These are all valid choices that you make as a responsible, sexually active human being.

 

  • The onus to have safe sex is on all parties involved, it is not just the responsibility of the person who may have an STI (for example, HIV positive people are often entirely blamed & incarcerated for passing on the virus when the other person has insisted on sex without a condom). So to is contraception the responsibility of everyone involved, not just the person who can get pregnant (culturally, the onus is often placed on women to be on the pill, rather than on men to use condoms). If someone tries to pressure you into having sex, & they refuse to use the protection you are insistent on, kick them to the curb! They are not deserving of access to your body when they can’t respect the boundaries you are comfortable with.

 

  • If you have a vulva (and/or if you are engaging in anal penetration), do not be afraid to use lube. Lube is your friend & no admittance of ‘failure’; some people are just naturally able to get wetter than others. Especially if you are prone to thrush/yeast infections lube is important (though try to go for water-based lube without glycerin, as that has been linked to thrush). As a side note though, thrush is most often caused by – other things of course can bring it on such as allergy to latex, having sperm inside you (sperm can upset you pH balance!) and being on antibiotics. You can also get nipple thrush, which I discovered to my intense displeasure this year after lying around the house in a wet bikini.

 

  • Don’t let someone pressure you into orgasming or guilt you for not being able to. Orgasm isn’t the be all and end all, & often the harder you try to orgasm the more it becomes out of reach, as your body is not relaxed. There is nothing worse than when you feel like someone is tallying your orgasms for their own ego, not actually caring about whether you enjoy the sex or not. Especially as it’s perfectly possible to have good sex without orgasming, & bad sex with orgasming. Sometimes I orgasm with a client I am particularly repulsed by & I feel like my body has betrayed me – took me a while to accept that sometimes your body responds to stimulus, & orgasms only have meaning beyond that when we give it to them.

 

  • If you have a vulva, part of the reason why foreplay is so important if you are intending on penetration is because your cervix rises as you become turned on. It can be intensely painful (and also nauseating – I vomited once when this happened) if a penis/fingers/sex toy hits your cervix because your body is not yet ready for penetration. Don’t rush!

 

  • It is perfectly normal & okay to be attracted to other people if you are in a relationship. It is natural & largely out of our control, though acting on that is of course within our control. It isn’t cheating, and doesn’t signify that you are no longer into your partner. What does matter is fostering a relationship where you can feel you can be honest about your sexual needs with your partner, not one where your sexuality revolves entirely around them. For me, what has always been more important than sexual monogamy is emotional monogamy. Knowing that there is mutual trust, respect & honesty between us where we divulge our truths to each other & don’t have any doubt about where we stand with the other.

 

  • Polyamory is not the ‘solution’ to or the ‘healthier’ version of monogamy & don’t let someone shame you for wanting monogamy or polyamory. Neither is perfect, & it is possible to have dysfunctional & functional, nurturing & toxic relationships in both systems. You are not underdeveloped if you want one or the other. It’s fine to want to sleep with other people besides your partner. It’s fine to want to have more than one partner. It’s fine to want only one partner. What is not fine is dishonesty or manipulation within any of these.

 

  • Drugs affect sex. If you have a penis, certain drugs can make it difficult to get hard & to cum (I wish all the coked up clients who got frustrated with me knew this!). If you have a vulva, certain drugs can make it harder to get wet & to cum. Some drugs are used to heighten sex; amyl for example is sometimes used by recipients of anal sex to relax that area.